Out

            I’m a lesbian.

Got your attention? Ok my guess is that most of you who read my blog either already knew or suspected. But seeing as I just (accidentally) came out to my immediate family I decide to come out in general.

            I’ve never liked men. When I was little and other girls were talking about what boys they had crushes on I stayed mute. The people who did make my stomach and heart do funny things were other girls. The ones who I stared at across the recess field were my female classmates. I didn’t know what homosexuality even was until middle school. That’s when I first heard people spreading the rumor that I was gay. I had heard the word used as an insult but I didn’t know what it meant. So I finally asked a friend and she explained it to me, “they think you like other girls, like you are supposed to like boys”.

            Then it clicked. Oh. That’s what that meant. And there was something very, very wrong with me. So I hid it. I tried to make myself forget it. I told myself that I was asexual. And I got good at using that as a believable excuse. Because being gay was wrong. I couldn’t be that way. I began to feel the doubts again in high school. I even attended a few meeting of the Gay Straight Alliance club on campus. But again told myself that it was wrong. I made myself ignore it. But really I couldn’t. And I fought with it for a long time.

           

            And then a lot of changes happened for me in a very short amount of time. It came out that I had been sexually abused as a child. So it was easy to use the abuse as an excuse for me being asexual. I could explain that to people. I could explain away the fact that I did not like men. But I still could not admit to anyone that I liked women. I hoped that it would go away. And due to some of the medications that I was on which surpress sexuality for a time I did think that it had.

            And then I fell in love with another girl. Not just infatuation. Not just thinking she was pretty. I was in love. And I was angry about it. I hated myself for it. It was sick and wrong. But why?

            I had never had a problem with other people being gay. I supported my gay friends and talked about my belief in equal rights for all. But I couldn’t be gay. I couldn’t be a lesbian. Because so many people would be disappointed in me.

            But I realized that was not a reason to stick my head in the sand about the issue. This is a personal thing I was going through, it didn’t matter if others would be disappointed in me. What mattered was if I was ok with myself. And in the past year I have realized that I am. I am not ashamed that I am a lesbian. Despite being raised with the idea that it was wrong, wrong in the eyes of god and in the eyes of the church. It’s the way I am. I have always been this way. To say that is wrong is to say that god made a mistake.  And while my views on religion had changed a great deal in the past years, that is one thing I want to hold out. I was told all throughout my childhood when attending church that we were to “come as you are to worship”. And while I no longer personally identify as Christian I hope those of you who have known me in that light can accept me as I am.