My medicine makes me sick. Some of the pills I have been on have made me throw up violently. I have spent nights sleeping on the bathroom floor laying in a puddle of my own sick. I get horrible headaches and twitchy hands. Even right now I am shaking so badly that I can barely type. It has taken me far to long to write these few sentences.
I find it so darkly funny how sick the medicine can make me. The thing that is supposed to make me better can make me feel horrible. And a lot of the medication is actually really dangerous. There is the risk of going toxic on it. I’ve been on lithium before which is terrifying because it can be such a dangerous pill. That and doctors have been using it for nearly 100 years and still have no fucking idea what it even does. And Lithium is just one example. A lot of psychiatric medications are really scary. I mean they are made to alter your brain, which is scary in itself. There is research that anti-psychotics shrink your brain over time. Many of the medicines can impair your memory. There is the weight gain and loss. Risk of developing diabetes. Risk of seizures. Risk of sudden death. All from a few little pills. Pills that I will have to take for the rest of my life.
Pills that will never cure me, pills that just make it possible for me to stay above water. To fight off the highs and lows, the hallucinations, and delusions. But the medicine does not actually make me better. It will not make it go away. It’s only a life jacket in the sea of the illness.
I will leave you with this song. Which has been in my head tonight as I battle with those side effects. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qz6OHf31igg
I will probably write more on this later I am sure.
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